"if you can't love yourself...how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"
"I was just thinking of that time I walked U to the train after U broke up with Ur ex-boyfriend & how much you’ve grown. I really am SO proud of U as a woman."
- text from a mentor
To put it lightly, last summer was difficult - and I would be lying if I said that I was 100% recovered. However, little reminders here and there, like the one above, from the people that I love most, help keep me going.
So much has happened within the past few months - I don’t even know where to start. I suppose all that needs to be said is that I’m learning to love myself all over again
The past month of my life has been, for a lack of a better word,weird. So much has happened and yet, at the same time, nothing has happened at all. It’s like I’m in the fucking Twilight Zone.
I’m still trying to remember what it’s like to be single, since the last four years of my life ended in the most confusing (and for some reason, empowering) way I could have ever imagined. It’s weird not having my once best friend around. But, whatever. There’s nothing I can do about it now and most importantly, there’s nothing I want to do about it. Some of his friends and family members have still kept in contact with me, you know. I actually just got off the phone with his grandmother. I missed her call and debated for about twenty minutes about whether it was appropriate to call her back. Out of courtesy and respect, I did. Apparently, she did not know we were broken up and I, in the most awkward and vague way I could, told her that we were no more. See? Like I said,weird.
I also have the most awkward guys on my ass now. It’s like they sensed a disturbance in the force and thought I’d automatically say ‘yes’ to go chill with them out of the fucking blue. Um, no, thank you. I’m down for having fun and all - smoke some, have few beers, but I’m not down to just kick it at your pad only to entertain your thought of getting into my pants — unless you happen to look like Trey Songz or Cristiano Ronaldo.
School is a whole other type of situation. The past four weeks have gone by so fast, it’s incredible. I have a motherfucking Evidence midterm in like, two weeks. FUUUUCK my life. It’s like - I have an idea of what’s going on in that class, but I don’t understand what the fuck the professor talks about 75% of the time. I need to spend more time focusing in that class instead of staring at the arms of some fine dude who sits like 5 rows ahead of me. I kid…kinda.
Even though the past four weeks have gone by so fast, it feels like slow motion at the same time.See? I told you - the fucking Twilight Zone. The days go by like a snail inching its way across a freeway. I feel like I get absolutely nothing done at the end of the day, but by the time Thursday hits, I realize -holy shit, I had a busy ass week.
I feel so focused but at the same time, I feel like I’m just floating along. I don’t know, this is a new feeling for me. It’s not like I’m just sitting around doing nothing (aside from right now, anyways). I’m actually putting in work!
Hopefully the “weirdness” of August/September goes away. I want to start my birthday month on a good note and I want to end age 23 on a good note - seeing as my 23rd year of life kinda sucked, lol. I guess Blink was right, nobody likes you when you’re 23.
Sigh, such a random post.
Oh hey, guy who only calls me on Friday night to “smoke.” I wonder what you could possibly want at this hour? Lol.
i knew march was going to be intense, but i really underestimated it. i want it to be over.between that ridiculous appellate brief, moot court arguments, my grandfather passing (and all the family issues accompanying it), and this huge community service event i’ve been planning (and neglecting) for the past few months — there’s no time to fucking breathe. i’ve been on edge this whole fucking month.
no time to complain though, bounce back. come back stronger.
I don’t know which makes me more uneasy - the uninspiring, 80’s-themed, slightly stained carpet, or the fact that the click-clacking of my fingers on the keyboard is the only sound you can hear in the entire building.
some men/boys think that they can just have it aaaaalllll. Unfortunately, they neglect to understand that doing what they want, how they want, when they want - and then coming back to you, expecting you to be okay with it all, is an ignorant mistake of massive proportions.
However, I will concede to the fact that some women can be just as stupid for putting up with all of that - but I digress.
Moral of the Story: Boy, you CANNOT have your cake and eat it, too. This ain’t no bakery!
so i'm going to be a little bitch right now, if you don't mind
i miss being an undergraduate student sometimes. i miss having the free time. i miss being able to bullshit my classes but still have it be fucking brilliant ass work. i miss going out thursday nights. i miss doing some heavy drinking during the week and not having to worry about getting my shit done for class the next day. i miss going on random adventures/getting lost/meeting new people. i miss spending time with the people i am (was?) the closest to.
there’s supposed to be a mini reunion tonight with my sisters in west la. i want nothing more than to go, have a few drinks, and dive into the chisme.
aye, but then i look at my room…all i see are textbooks, binders, papers, packets, and all that other shit i need for school. responsibility beckons and i can’t just ignore the call - i would be doing myself a disservice.
c’mon, eli - get over it. open up your property casebook and just get the fuck over it.
After thinking about the situation I’m in, I can’t help but get a whole new perspective on the label, “friends with benefits.”
I’ve known this girl for almost 5 years now. At the beginning, our friendship, if you could even call it that, was rather forced. To make a long story short, we didn’t really choose to be friends on the outset. It took us a lot of time to get to know each other and to appreciate each other for who we were. Now, we’re fine - but we’re not the stereotypical, needy type of girl_friends that most females have. We don’t call each other with chisme every other day. We don’t need to see each other all the time. I can go for months without seeing her, but when I do see her, it’s like nothing has ever changed; we can pick up right where we left off. Not sure if you’re getting the picture, but oh well, I tried.
one crazy, random thing happened - and I think it drastically changed the dynamics of our relationship. Last summer, I think it was July, she came over to my apartment. It was like any other typical night spent with my roommate, who is also our mutual close friend. Wine, cheese, Trey Songz - you know, the usual.
My roommate went to bed, and then it was just us too. We had our usual, intimate conversations: aspirations, school, family, boyfriends, sex … then BAM! In all honesty, I don’t know exactly how the fuck it happened, but we somehow started to mess around. I’d rather not go into too much graphic detail, sorry folks. All I can say is that she started it and it was pretty much one, big, naked blur.
When we were done, she made me swear that we would never tell anyone - ANYONE. If any of our friends found out …. SHIIIIIT. I mean come on now, let’s be honest - we’re not all quite that mature.
I went to bed feeling buzzed, confused, and a little guilty that night; I had to tell the boyfriend. Surprisingly (and thankfully), he wasn’t upset. He was just concerned as to what possessed me to indulge in a sexual encounter without him. I would also say that maybe he was a little confused because it was so random.
The event, although random as fuck, didn’t really phase me that much. I knew that my roommate didn’t hear/see us, and that was enough for me. It wasn’t until the next month that I found out that not only did my friend tell my roommate of our little rendezvous, but she also told another one of our close friends. I can only imagine who else she told.
There was only one other incident that made me feel a little uncomfortable - she kept texting me while she was intoxicated asking for Round 2. Now, at the time she texted me, she was drunk as fuck in my living room and I was sleeping in my bedroom with my boyfriend (she knew of this). Now, I consider myself open-minded, but COME THE FUCK ON, NOW. That situation just hits a little too close to home for me. I couldn’t help but laugh it off, as uneasily as I did.
I actually confronted her about telling people this past weekend. I had seen her a few times since that incident, but I never found the opportune time to talk to her about it. She was actually extremely nonchalant about the issue and simply stated, “Whatever, we’re all adults here.” This actually kind of pissed me off because she was the one who made me swear to high heavens that nobody would ever find out. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “If we’re all adults, maybe we should learn to keep certain matters private.” Buuuuuut, whatever, I let it go (…obviously, I’m writing about it on here). None of our other friends would ever come at me and bring up that story (maaaaaybe if they were drunk, but I don’t have to time go drinking with everyone now that second semester started).
I left our conversation thinking that our little incident was just a one-time thing. She later approached me, asking me to “play” with her and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend … smh … he’s just a whole other story - but I digress. I told her that my partner wouldn’t like that. She then brought up bringing my partner in to come play. I just ended the conversation with a “we’ll see what he says” and just left it at that.
I told the boyfriend. He was a little skeptical and apprehensive about it, especially when I showed him the text I received from my friend:
"So u wanna hang this weekend I’m just asking cuz (insert her boyfriend’s name here) wants to kno in advance so he can get a suite."
I’m a little concerned about the fact that she just wants to get together and do that. I mean, she’s one of my good friends … and this whole situation just seems twisted. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I feel used. However, I do feel somewhat caught off guard. First of all, we never said that we would officially meet up. Second of all, although I know that our friendship is super open and we can whatever we want to each other, I can’t help but feel that her text is somewhat … I don’t know, disrespectful, for lack of a better word. I mean - girl, I’m your friend - not some random ass booty call. Furthermore, I don’t think that my friend and her boyfriend really talked about the perimeters of participating in these types of activities - I think that he’s simply holding the reigns because he just wants to fuck someone else and she’s just going along with it.
But don’t get me wrong, I can dig the fact that sex is just sex. I don’t necessarily need to have some kind of emotional attachment. But honestly, I cannot help but feel a little uneasy about this situation. She’s my friend … and it feels like she’s using me (and my boyfriend) as a means to make her man happy. And even if she is doing this for herself, I honestly think she needs to take a step back and realize that maybe this isn’t the best road to go down. The last thing I want is any resentment from her because she’s not thinking through the situation as much as she should.
Side note: I low key think this is the guy she’s going to marry. How fucking awkward would that shit be if I was one of her bridesmaids … knowing that I fucked around with her and her groom. Not down. I’m a little crazy - but I have limits.
a;lksdjfsf. Damn, that was a lot, but I guess I needed to get it all out. Now, if it was only this easy to tell her this shit to her face.
Sigh - I guess that’s just what happens when you’re down.
i've posted this before but i'll post it, anyway...
“Outworn elements of your life fade away so that you can enjoy new opportunities. If you didn’t unload things, the universe wouldn’t be able to give you anything new - there would be no room! Life is a continual process of change, letting go of all that is no longer vital to you and sowing seeds for the future.”
don’t get me wrong, you’re wonderful … but maybe at twenty-three, you’re not the kind of wonderful i need. i’m afraid you’ve become an outworn element, my dear… but too bad i’m such a hoarder.